This Could End Badly...

I'll cut to the chase.

Somehow, William Glenn Lopez convinced me that signing up for a Tough Mudder race to commence February 9, 2013, would be a good idea. However, I was not blessed with the speed of Usain Bolt, the agility of Arian Foster, or the mental fortitude of Lance Armstrong (say what you will about cheating, that man shat right on cancer's face). I don't have half of what these guys do, yet I've decided that I can somehow muster up the ability to finish this race. This could be a terrible idea. Hell, this is what I look like on a daily basis...

Clearly, not a portait of health, athleticism, or grace. I do love the U.S.A., though. Before I explain the lifestyle habits that will derail my "training," you should know more about the course.

The self-proclaimed toughest race on the planet, a Tough Mudder is 10- to 12-miles ran primarily through mud, with obstacles ranging from the simple to the downright stupid (read: deadly). These aren't just obstacles. I swear, some are designed to fucking kill you. The brainchild of Will Dean and Guy Livingstone, obstacles were designed by British Special Forces and designed to test your "strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." Wonderful. All of the things I listed that I don't have. Scratch that; I've got the camaraderie. I'm doing it with the best group of people I know, but, lets face it, their lifestyles are probably worse than mine.

Take for instance, the Arctic Enema. It's not as bad as having a gallon of near-freezing water forcibly pumped into your colon, but it's still no dip in the ocean. Over the course of a weekend, event organizers use 70,000 to 80,000 pounds of ice to keep a dumpster full of 34-35 degree water. That's COLD. Most people don't even want their beer that cold. Remember when Jack told Rose that she shouldn't jump because she wouldn't die and she would just freeze to death and it would be even more agonizing? This water is that cold, but what really happens is...well, "it's like eating ice cream and getting punched in the balls at the same time," according to Nolan Kombol, Tough Mudder's head of course design. Your already-dehydrated muscles contract, you get brainfreeze, you become disoriented, and your testicles curl into your body so quickly they pop right out your nostrils. Will you look at this man's face? He is terrified. He's disoriented. And he had no idea where his testes ended up, but he can still smell them.

What about the Funky Monkey? That can't be too hard, monkeys are cute and I love climbing shit! Oh, are those bars go up at an incline and then descend back down? Above another icy pond? Lubed up with mud and butter? Guess I'm going for another dip. Hang on while I shrink-wrap my junk now.

AHHHH some warmth. The Fire Walker. With flames at least four feet tall, it will be a welcome alternative to the primarily frigid obstacles. What's that you say? Kerosene-soaked hay? Well that will probably quite smokey. I guess having lungs akin to a baby otter will not benefit my cause. Pause here for awwwuhhz...

Maybe they should be called awwwters?

I digress, back to my slow, agonizing death. As I defrost through the flames, I'll be sucking down carcinogens. Thanks guys, if you don't kill me by the end of this thing, at least I have emphysema to look forward to.

And last, but definitely not least, Electroshock Therapy. Alright, what the actual fuck? YOU ARE REALLY TRYING TO KILL ME. One thousand ...dramatic pause before momentary freakout... ONE THOUSAND live wires of varying length dangle over bales of hay, mud, and water. Some of these wires have 10,000 volts of electricity running...

Hang on, this is where the freakout goes. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Some of these wires have 10,000 VOLTS OF ELECTRICITY RUNNING through them, with nowhere to go but your body. Think about it. Put a 9-volt batter on your tongue. It's weird, and kind of uncomfortable, but not unbearable in the least. Multiply that more than 1,000 times and do it again. Don't worry, I'll wait. I'll call emergency services. And besides, since when do electricity and water mix? Everyone, our whole lives, has told us that this is one of the worst combinations on the planet. Who are you sick people?

Look at THIS guy. He's far more a physical specimen than I am. And he's not happy. It almost looks like he's yelling to pump himself up. But no, look at his left hand. That's agony. Look at his left leg. No man with this physique would pop his leg like that on purpose. I bet if he could, he'd go back and punch those wires, but he knows better. Just get to the finish line bro, leave the wires alone. Don't worry, it's close...

Because this is always the last obstacle. The Tough Mudders never have the same obstacles at each race, but this one is a never-fail death trap. It's always last, right before the finish line, because that puts you close to the paramedics. When one of the live wires zaps you in the jugular and knocks you out, they can whisk your unconscious ass to a medical center.

Some obstacles aren't as bad. There's Walk The Plank, where you just jump of a large platform into a lake. There's Greased Lightning, which will prove to be the most exciting and easiest obstacle. Basically, Mudders (slang for race participants) go flying down a slicked-up mountainside on their asses, knees, or faces. I'm particularly excited about the Turd's Nest, mainly for the name because poop is funny. On the other hand, I'm not excited about crawling on cargo rope over barbed wire because it seems counter-intuitive to my health.

So now you know. Apparently I have just about 130 days to get my body and mind ready for this. I will need to run and hit the gym. I can't just run, I need to push myself. I can't just go to the gym, I need to change my work outs...and push myself. But all sorts of things distract me. I live within a 10 minute walk of four delicious pizza joints, a Mexican restaurant and a Krispy Kreme. Within 5 minutes are three Italian restaurants, four miscellaneous restaurants, a Panda Express and a cheese shop. It's a shop dedicated to cheese, dammit. The amount of bars that are walking distance...I can't even count them. I have video games. I have TV. I have a DVR. I have a couch and bed. I have sports to watch. I have every reason to distract myself, so here, I blog my successes and failures. Come along with me.

I start by doing the Rock'N Run this Saturday, October 6, at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. It's a 5K obstacle course and mud run. I haven't seriously trained. I haven't jokingly trained. I've ran four times. I've lifted just about the same. This will not end well.